Over the years, and particularly since I began blogging, my biggest difficulty is finding the balance between giving myself too many goals that I never accomplish and motivating myself enough to make the changes in my life I want to see happening. Every so often I, in earnest, swear that I’m going to do better and actually become a regular blogger and get my life into gear, but I just as often come back along to say “whoops, that didn’t go as planned!” My expectations for myself and my routine come from so many sectors that I feel a bit dogpiled on trying to set myself goals for every aspect of my life, and it seems that my way of coping with that huge looming to-do list is simply to avoid it entirely!
Therefore, I always wonder whether it’s simply a waste of time giving myself New Year Resolutions. The new year does always give me a sense of renewal and hope that I will finally get my ass into gear, but these days, it’s more in theory than in practise. Sticking to a self-imposed deadline is difficult for me when there’s no one else to disappoint. When I was at university, I was one of those people who perhaps overdid it in terms of setting targets and, gasp, actually fulfilling them. Nowadays, I find it hard sometimes to even do one thing I promised myself I would.
Is it all in vain, then, to yet again promise, whether to myself or on this blog, that I will at least attempt to change the way I’m living my life this year? I know I’ve been unhappy in my gut somewhere, feeling unaccomplished and lacking something, since I left university and spend a lot of my time in a retail job, and I know two and a half years slacking off has been difficult to put aside and finally overhaul. The pressure I put on myself seems somehow to feel simultaneously too harsh and too loose; as I said above, I attempt too much at once just to hide away from it all, but I also give up too easily. I’ve become lazy, physically and mentally, since then. So do I cut myself some slack and say “right, this doesn’t have to be THE moment you change your life”, or “right, girl, kick yourself in the butt and get going if you don’t want to continue in this sort of suspended reclining lifestyle”?
I’m not going to tell myself that 2015 is the year I’m going to finally get violin lessons and find a better-paying job and become a popular blogger. Instead, I’m aiming to get thinking about what I want for this blog, what areas of life I want to discuss; I’m going to finally repierce my ear and wear earrings again; I’m going to be brave and cut my hair; I’m going to work on my French, German, Ancient Greek and Latin and impose some sort of loose regularity with them; I’m going to keep reading as many books as I managed last year; I’m going to work on writing more. I’m going to keep a remembrance jar to document all those lovely memories throughout the year.
2014 was a year that in some ways I can only describe as ‘meh’, but looking back, it did bring me a lot of happiness. At work I recently moved to a new department, and it brought a new lease of life to my happiness there. I’ve made a lot of strides in my views of social justice, and have made acquaintance with a lot of amazing people on Twitter. I feel stronger in a lot of senses; more insecurities are shrinking, and I become more and more unapologetic about how I comport myself both in terms of how I view myself and how I fight for others’ rights. My tolerances are shifting to the right places, and I am wasting less time being bothered about the wrong things. As I near my mid-twenties, I realize I am still growing so much as a person, and I have high hopes for the future in terms of my self-image and self-confidence.
Turning 24 has felt strange. I feel like it’s a factor in how I’m viewing this year’s resolutions. I think now that I’m getting closer to my thirties I’m changing how I approach my life and organizing my life, because I have to if I want to be in a better place. I’m not telling myself I’m going to get exactly where I want to be soon, if I even get there at all, but I think how I’ve been trying to deal with my life post-graduation just hasn’t been working so I’m having to tweak it a bit not only in how I actually implement changes, but also in how I even view change.
I can sense I’m rambling now (a habit I want to rein in for blogging purposes!) so I wish anyone reading this a happy new year. I hope 2015 brings you all what you’re looking for.
Until next time,